The Ramblings of Me

The idea of heading to England for three weeks has crept into my brain and now i can think of nothing else. darn it. i just feel like i need to do something with myself. i can't rid myself of this feeling.....i want to experience more and see more....i want to accomplish something. i want to be able to say that i did everything i dreamed of doing and that i didn't just sit around dreaming of things to do. at this point, that is all i feel like i can say. there are so many things i dream of doing, but instead i am responsible and i play it safe. i need to take some chances......the problem is, i can't just drop everything. i have a good job - but i can always get another job.....i am happy living in Maryland, so i don't want to move - i just want to travel and enjoy this part of my life while i can. i know that once i'm married i won't be able to just pack up and go to some foreign country...at least not while my kids are young. but who knows when all that will happen? i think it basically boils down to me being indecisive. all i need to do is make a decision about what i want to do and then stick to it....but then i start thinking practical. boo practicality. i hate it. i feel like i owe it to my parents, who are basically supporting me, to work hard and save money for my own place...that i shouldn't just take off to london. but i can't shake this....i need to breathe...i need to escape and have fun....i need to go to the theater and see the world and sit in a cafe in paris and "go down the disco" throughout the streets of london. i will not be content....maybe this is just the drive i needed to actually put my dreams into action. of course, it may not happen as fast as i would like....but i hope i can look back on this post in a year knowing that my trip is planned and my plane ticket is burning a whole in my pocket.

Thought I would post up some of my Giant Journal pages.







more to come later, i'm sure. for now, enjoy!

wishing curt was here so we could go to "our" place and order "our" greek food and sit in "our" booth and then go to a movie which would undoubtedly be quoted for months to follow.

first of all - i just wrote this whole post out and my computer erased it. as it was quite long and it is now 1 AM, i will not be rewriting the entire thing.

basically it said this:

my two favorite times of the day are

1. Somewhere between 7 and 8 AM when the cutest baby in the world crawls into my room and awakens me with his unsurpassed cuteness and charm. of course, he's not so interested in seeing me as much as he is interested in climbing over me to see himself in the mirror, but that only makes him cuter.

2. When i get home after midnight and everyone else is sleeping and the house is quiet and peaceful. this is when i have the chance to check my email and spend longer than one minute in the bathroom - of course i don't necessarily need to spend longer than that in the bathroom, but sometimes i do it just because i can. with six people in the house, it is rare to have alone time - and i've now found mine.

i also wrote how nice it is not to be lonely. i know that i get stressed and frustrated with all the remodeling of the house and all the craziness of my family - but it does not compare with the stress and frustration i had in utah, because on top of the annoyances i faced out there, i was also lonely. i couldn't just walk up to my mom and give her a hug or sneak into my sister's room for some "what not to wear" bonding time. i really am grateful to be home - and to have family and friends who make it worthwhile to be home. i just need to keep reminding myself of that when things do get stressful, and soon, hopefully, things just won't seem so stressful.

now that the holidays have past, i am hoping the next few weeks will give me a chance to settle somewhat into this new situation i have found myself in. living with the family, starting a new social life and a new job, and basically having no idea what the future holds. i'm sure this particular hope will be smashed into a thousand failing pieces, but that's cool. i'll deal. haha.

i must say (and probably already have said this a hundred times) that i am happy here. at the end of the day, i am so incredibly happy to be home with my family.

so, this last year has been truly crazy. my life is not where i thought it would be - which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i'm just anxious to see what the new year will bring. there are so many things "up in the air" and i'm excited and nervous to see where it will all land. i guess that's what happens every year around this time - people analyze and plan and make empty promises to themselves. i think i'm just gonna skip all that and hang around and see what happens. sounds a lot less stressful to me.


also, for my girls (namely krissie) who will appreciate this: i bought a beautiful new dress today and i've never felt better. i love it when retail therapy pops it's little head out to say hello and actually makes you happier.

now, time for bed...tomorrow will be a long day full of craziness, fun, and the wearing of the prettiest dress i have ever owned. sweet dreams.

i am being run ragged. i don't think things will ever settle down....but i have to say that i am still preferring being here to utah. boo utah. haha.

i am also so very excited about Christmas. its my favorite time of the year. everyone is happy and giving and caring and i wish it could be like that all the time. Merry Christmas!!

So...I am totally happy to be home....even though i had a somewhat frustrating day with my family. i will have to practice being patient a whole lot until all this renovation on the house is done. i'm just especially bad at it when i'm tired and not feeling well. I can say i have been having so much fun, even when i'm doing the not so fun stuff. my nephew is adorable and it's amazing the effect having him around all the time has on me. i'm also reconnecting with friends (krissie) that i'm really happy to be around. it's nice to feel normal and comfortable - it's nice to feel like i'm at home and it's nice to know that i am home. anyway, i'm done for now i suppose.

the road trip is over and my cold is vanishing and i am having a fabulous time seeing friends and spending time with my family. things will be difficult and stressful i'm sure - i'm not really looking forward to starting work again - but who really likes working? i love seeing my family though. i have missed them so much over the last six years. i'm realizing how much we have all changed and how much we have been through - and we are all still together as a family - nothing in the world could make me happier than that.


and now it's time to fall asleep on the couch.

i'll be spending the next three or four days packing and driving to maryland with my dad. it's finally here...i will be home in a matter of days. i can't wait to see my mom, my sister, and the rest of my family and friends. i can't wait to see what new things come from this move. i am so excited.

unfortunately, i have a cold, which is really annoying.

my family and friends

soft, comfy beds

cute kids that make me smile and give you hugs just because they can

christmas

all sorts of other things i can't list right now b/c i am so exhausted. time to take advantage of that soft, comfy bed i mentioned.

I don't really enjoy the whole turkey thing - but i do love thanksgiving. everyone coming together and just having a good day. it's awesome.

i'm feeling better about things today. no call from home, i started packing everything, and i found someone to take my recliner and desk so i don't have to worry about those things anymore. i've got two and a half days left of work, then a week-long vacation before i drive back out to maryland. i am so looking forward to going up to idaho.

oh yeah, and veronica mars was great last night. i love that show.

so - as excited as i am to move home - recent happenings are making me a little nervous. things at home are crazy - so many things are about to change and there are so many pressures there right now. i'm wondering if there really is room for me; if i will be a burden; if i will be able to allieviate any of the current pressures; if i will go home and fall into the role of peace maker; if i'm needed because i feel the need to make everyone happy and that's what my family needs right now; if i will be able to provide the support to my family that i would like to provide while living my own life.

luckily, i know that my family loves me as much as i love them. i know they will never see me as a burden and that there will always be room for me. i know that they just want me home and they want me to be happy and they want me to go out and have fun. i think everyone is just too close to the problems right now to see any way out - i just wish i knew what i could do to help. short of winning the lottery and appeasing everyone's financial stress, i suppose all i can do is go home and be supportive. it's just times like these when i wish i could do so much more.

I was interested to see how this turned out...

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

Here's how it works:
1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...




Opening Credits:
The Man Who Sold the World - Nirvana

Waking Up:
Lay, Lady, Lay - Bob Dylan

First Day At School:
100 Years - Five for Fighting

Falling In Love:
Happy Together - Turtles

Fight Song:
Track 12 - Phantom Planet

Breaking Up:
Don't Go Breaking My Heart - Elton John

Life:
How Lovely to Be a Woman - Ann-Margaret

Mental Breakdown:
There's Always Someone Cooler Than You - Ben Folds

Driving:
Everlong - Foo Fighters

Getting back together:
No Such Thing - John Mayer

Wedding:
Light In Your Eyes - Blessid Union of Souls
(wow - a break up song for my wedding - sad.)

Birth of Child:
Who Needs Shelter - Jason Mraz

Final Battle:
Mexico - Cake

Death Scene:
You and I - Michael Buble

End Credits:
Don't Stand So Close to Me - The Police





wow - that's weird. some make sense, others not so much. either way, interesting soundtrack.

how do you ever really know that you are happy? i mean, you may think you're happy and then something happens that makes you even happier...is that just a temporary boost and then you return to your normal level of happiness? and when someone is living a life and making choices you know are wrong (not that making those choices would ever change how i feel about that person), how does that person know they are happy? do we reach a point in life when we actually make the decision to settle for what we have, thinking nothing else could make us any happier? i have yet to encounter anything that made me think, "i could live like this forever."
of course, i have faith in eternal happiness and the plan of happiness, which helps a lot when these questions pop into my head. i just don't have the personal experience...and not being able to see the whole picture of my life at this moment...it gets hard constantly trying to figure out what is going to make me happy. it is difficult finding comfort in "you'll understand later," or "it will happen for you soon." those are just general statements meant to appease our restless minds - to sooth the wondering and the worrying and the doubt, but you reach a point where the "comforting" words of those who have gone before you become commonplace and lose their meaning.
i'm not unhappy right now. in fact, i'm excited and confident about the decisions i am making and the direction i am headed. i just talk to some of my friends about what is happening in their lives and wonder if they are truly happy. the number of friends that cause that thought to pop up has become less, but it's still there from time to time. of course i'm not entirely happy right now either - i'm still searching for the people and experiences that will help me become who i want to be - i just don't ever want to look back and realize that i have settled. it seems like such a waste.

also, there's finally a reason to look forward to mondays - three reasons to be exact. namely, How I Met Your Mother (thanks Krissie), Heroes, and Studio 60....or, more appropriately entitled, the Monday Night "Suit Up". ;)

so, this weekend was fun. i got to hang out with Curt and then the girls on Saturday night. i'm sure going to miss them. giant journaling till 2 AM - i'll post pics soon. it's my new favorite passtime. and i know i'm a nerd. then chatting with everyone on sunday was definitely awesome. i know i'm repeating myself, but i am so excited to move back to maryland.


http://www.skittles.com/advertising/index.jsp

watch the one called "trade"
it's amazing.

this has nothing to do with voting...only with decision making - more precisely, deciding to quit your job. i have come to believe that giving your two weeks notice is a ruse. it's not job ettiquette, it's a farce. let's be honest, people. by the time a person has decided to give their notice they are quite ready to just leave work right then and there. when they give their notice they are basically informing their boss that they no longer have the desire or motivation to even pretend they are getting work done. they will stay for two more weeks, but they sure aren't going to be productive.

not that i'm like that - this is just something i've noticed in general. ;)

but seriously, part of the reason i decided to quit is because they don't really have enough for me to do - and they aren't paying me adequately for the stuff i am doing. i spend six out of the eight hours of my work day posting to live journal, checking facebook, emailing friends, and chatting. blah.

I just gave my two weeks - I quit my job and I'm really moving home. I'll be home in less than a month and I couldn't be more excited.

I've made some awesome friends over the last six years here in Utah. Although I am looking forward to making a major change and reconnecting with my friends at home (whom I LOVE *wink*), I am also starting to realize how hard it will be to say goodbye to people who have made such a big difference in my life. You never know who will make an impact or who will show up and be there for you just when you need them, and when you do find those amazing people, you never think about having to say goodbye. you most definitely don't think about the fact that you might possibly lose contact with these people. i love my friends and i will miss them.